Just Listen
Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
by Mark Goulston
“Just Listen is a must-read for anyone who wants to improve their communication skills. Goulston provides practical advice that you can use immediately to connect with others and build stronger relationships.”
“Just Listen is the most important book on communication I’ve ever read. It’s not just about listening to others, it’s about understanding them. Goulston’s insights are invaluable for anyone who wants to improve their relationships.”
Do you want to learn how to get through to anyone, even when communication seems impossible? Do you want to understand the psychology and neuroscience behind effective listening and persuasion? Do you want to discover the secrets and techniques that can help you influence, motivate, and inspire others?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to read Just Listen by Mark Goulston.
Just Listen is a book that reveals the power and art of listening as the key to getting through to anyone. Goulston, a psychiatrist, consultant, and coach, draws on his experience and research to show you how to overcome the barriers and resistance that prevent people from listening, cooperating, and collaborating. He also shows you how to use listening as a tool to persuade, influence, motivate, and inspire others.
In this post, I will summarize the main ideas of Just Listen and show you how you can apply them to your own situation. Whether you are dealing with a difficult boss, a stubborn colleague, a frustrated customer, a reluctant spouse, or an angry teenager, you can benefit from learning how to just listen.
What are the 9 Rules and 12 Techniques of Just Listen?
Rule 1: Move Yourself from “Oh F#@& to OK”
This is the rule that helps you calm yourself down and regain your composure when you are faced with a stressful or challenging situation. You do this by using the following technique:
The Reverse Paradox. This is the technique where you acknowledge and accept your worst fears and negative emotions instead of resisting or denying them. By doing this, you reduce their power over you and free yourself from their grip.
Rule 2: Rewire Yourself to Listen. This is the rule that helps you listen more effectively and empathetically to others by using your whole brain. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Magic Paradox. This is the technique where you focus on what the other person wants instead of what you want. By doing this, you create rapport and trust with them and make them more receptive to your message.
The Empathy Jolt. This is the technique where you use a surprising or unexpected statement or question to jolt the other person out of their defensive or hostile mode and into a more open and cooperative mode. By doing this, you create a connection and a curiosity with them and make them more willing to listen.
The Impossibility Question. This is the technique where you ask a hypothetical question that invites the other person to imagine a positive outcome or solution that seems impossible or unlikely. By doing this, you create hope and optimism with them and make them more interested in exploring possibilities.
Rule 3: Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”. This is the rule that helps you make the other person feel understood and validated by mirroring their emotions and needs. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Mirror Neuron Gap. This is the technique where you use nonverbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc., to match the other person’s emotional state. By doing this, you activate their mirror neurons and create a sense of alignment and rapport with them.
The Power Thank You. This is the technique where you express your gratitude to the other person in a sincere and specific way that acknowledges their effort, intention, and impact. By doing this, you make them feel appreciated and respected by you.
The Power Apology. This is the technique where you apologize to the other person in an authentic and effective way that admits your mistake, acknowledges their feelings, offers a remedy, and asks for forgiveness. By doing this, you make them feel heard and respected by you.
Rule 4: Be More Interested Than Interesting. This is the rule that helps you show genuine interest and curiosity in the other person by asking open-ended questions and listening actively to their answers. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Side-by-Side Rule. This is the technique where you position yourself physically next to or across from the other person instead of facing them directly. By doing this, you reduce confrontation and increase collaboration with them.
The Fill-in-the-Blanks Technique. This is the technique where you use incomplete sentences or phrases to elicit more information or feedback from the other person. By doing this, you encourage them to talk more and reveal more about themselves.
The Five-Step Flirt. This is the technique where you use a playful and friendly approach to engage the other person in a conversation. By doing this, you create a positive and relaxed atmosphere with them and make them more comfortable and interested in you.
Rule 5: Make People Feel Valuable. This is the rule that helps you make the other person feel important and valuable by praising their strengths, talents, achievements, etc. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Power Lead. This is the technique where you start your conversation with a positive or complimentary remark that sets the tone and direction for the rest of the interaction. By doing this, you create a good first impression and a favorable mood with the other person.
The Vowel Technique. This is the technique where you use the five vowels (A, E, I, O, U) as a mnemonic device to remember the five elements of effective praise: appreciation, encouragement, inspiration, opportunity, and usefulness. By doing this, you make your praise more meaningful and impactful to the other person.
The Nine-Word Email. This is the technique where you use a short and simple email message to express your appreciation or admiration to someone who has done something remarkable or admirable. By doing this, you make them feel valued and respected by you.
Rule 6: Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally. This is the rule that helps you help the other person release their negative emotions and thoughts that are blocking their communication and cooperation. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Double Whammy. This is the technique where you use two questions to help the other person vent their frustration or anger in a constructive way. The first question is “What are you most angry about?” and the second question is “What are you really angry about?” By doing this, you help them identify and express their core issue and emotion.
The FUD Cracker. This is the technique where you use three questions to help the other person overcome their fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD) that are preventing them from taking action or making a decision. The three questions are “What are you afraid of?”, “What are you unsure of?”, and “What are you doubtful of?” By doing this, you help them clarify and confront their fears and doubts.
The Exploding Offer. This is the technique where you use a provocative or outrageous offer or proposal to shock the other person out of their inertia or complacency and into action or decision. By doing this, you create a sense of urgency and motivation with them.
Rule 7: Check Your Dissonance at the Door. This is the rule that helps you avoid sending mixed or conflicting messages to the other person that can undermine your credibility and trustworthiness. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Self-Check Technique. This is the technique where you monitor and regulate your own verbal and nonverbal communication to ensure that they are consistent and congruent with your message and intention. By doing this, you avoid creating confusion or suspicion with the other person.
The Eyebrow Test. This is the technique where you observe and interpret the other person’s facial expressions, especially their eyebrows, to gauge their interest, attention, agreement, etc. By doing this, you get instant feedback and adjust your communication accordingly.
The Reverse Eyebrow Test. This is the technique where you use your own facial expressions, especially your eyebrows, to influence the other person’s mood, attitude, behavior, etc. By doing this, you send subtle signals that can affect their perception and response.
Rule 8: When All Seems Lost–Bare Your Neck. This is the rule that helps you salvage a hopeless or desperate situation by showing vulnerability and humility to the other person. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Stipulation Gambit. This is the technique where you admit or concede a point or an argument that favors the other person before they bring it up or use it against you. By doing this, you disarm them and gain their respect and attention.
The Doormat Syndrome. This is the technique where you lower yourself or your status in relation to the other person by using self-deprecating humor or compliments. By doing this, you make them feel superior or flattered and more open to your message.
The Nuclear Option. This is the technique where you reveal your deepest fear or weakness to the other person in a sincere and honest way. By doing this, you appeal to their compassion and empathy and create a bond with them.
Rule 9: Steer Clear of Toxic People. This is the rule that helps you avoid or deal with toxic people who are negative, hostile, manipulative, or abusive. You do this by using the following techniques:
The Kiss-Off Technique. This is the technique where you end your interaction with a toxic person in a polite but firm way that leaves no room for further contact or communication. By doing this, you protect yourself from their harmful influence and save your time and energy.
The Confrontation Technique. This is the technique where you confront a toxic person in a calm and assertive way that exposes their behavior and holds them accountable for their actions. By doing this, you challenge them and deter them from continuing their behavior.
The Umbrella Technique. This is the technique where you use a third party or a higher authority to shield yourself from a toxic person’s attacks or demands. By doing this, you deflect their pressure and leverage their power.
Just Listen is a book that will change the way you communicate and relate to others. It will help you understand how to listen more effectively and empathetically to others by using your whole brain. It will also help you use listening as a tool to persuade, influence, motivate, and inspire others.
Thank you for reading this post, we hope you enjoyed it! And remember: use the principles of influence wisely, ethically, selectively, and subtly, because people don’t just say yes to what you do, they say yes to how you do it.
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